last weekend J and L came down from belfast and we went to a party at D's. D has his attic converted into a dungeon with a hoist and a spanking bench and a cage and all sorts of good stuff! so it's kinda strange that so many people spend so much time at D's parties in the kitchen! proximity to the back door and the smoking area is probably the attraction, i guess! having given up smoking myself way back in 2004, i had forgotten just how much a smoker's life revolves around the habit!

it was fun watching O and C play with L. C, who i'd only ever seen before in a submissive role, was a revelation - lot's of tender, gentle kissing and nibbling punctuated with sudden, sharp slaps! beautiful to watch and judging from L's reactions must have been a lot of fun to experience, too.

i had mentioned to J recently that she has a habit of easing off and / or switching implements very quickly as soon as i start showing signs of pain. i said it was ok to push it a bit. i guess she must have been taking notes, because that's exactly what she did this time! i got the hardest flogging and spanking i've ever had! each time i found myself on the edge of what i could stand, instead of easing off as she always has before, she pushed it just that little bit further. and i loved it!

there is, unfortunately, a price to be paid for an intense session like that - and not just the fact that my bum is still tender and bruised, and i probably won't be able to have much fun at nimhneach this weekend! no the real price was paid during the week, all week.

the emotions generated during and after a session like that run deep. i've been feeling lonely and clingy and insecure all week. felt like i was almost on the verge of panic at times. i need hugs, and i can't get them - not while J is in belfast and i'm in dublin! but thankfully the week is almost over now.

is it worth it? i'm not sure the question can be answered. i'm not sure i have a choice. could i really give it up now? i almost wrote could i go back to a vanilla life, but did i really ever have a vanilla life? there was a time when i didn't get to play, but that's not the same thing.