i haven't dressed in almost three weeks now.

no i haven't been running around naked. it's a bit cold for that. i mean i have not dressed 'en femme'. my pretty dresses, bras, panties, stockings and heels have remained unworn, my make-up has remained unused. i haven't even shaved my legs, and normally i hate having hairy legs.

i'm finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about anything right now, difficult to motivate myself to make an effort. tomorrow, however, is nimhneach. halloween nimhneach, at that, and my return to nimhneach after missing it last month for the first time since it moved to the academy. and i have a new dress to wear.

where did i leave that razor?

given the afore-mentioned scarcity of dominant women, i've been lucky to have met, played with, and become friends with, quite a few dominant women these last few years.

it hasn't been entirely a matter of luck, of course. i think i can claim to be a pretty good sub. and i've been persistent. no i don't mean i've made a nuisance of myself. i'm not one of those people who sends the same message to every woman who gives the least hint that she might be dominant - or in some cases, even to those who don't. no by being persistent i mean that i've kept going to munches, workshops, parties and events, even when i was feeling discouraged and had to force myself to keep going.  i've networked. if good luck found me, it found me because i put myself in its path.

it's been the proverbial roller-coaster of a ride. if i may be forgiven for mixing my metaphors, it's also been somewhat like riding a horse, including being thrown off a couple of times and forcing myself to climb back in the saddle.

i've had some mind-blowing experiences. i've been flogged, whipped, paddled, caned, and spanked. i've experienced clamps, clothes pegs, bondage, cbt, strap-ons and anal hooks. i've had 105 needles stuck in my back, and i've looked into my Domme's eyes as she stuck needles in my breast. i've been bound to a-frames and crosses and walked naked through woods. i've experienced tease and denial and orgasm control.

there has been pain, not all of it pleasurable, and not all of it physical. i've fallen in love and i've hurt like hell when that love was unrequited. looking back, if i could have seen the future, i'm not sure that i would have done anything differently. even knowing the pain that lay ahead, i'm not sure that i would have chosen to avoid it, if doing so meant sacrificing the good times, the positive experiences, the friendships that i made and the lessons that i learned along the way.

but now that i find myself facing again that same choice, do i have i have it in me to start over again? the metaphorical horse stands there before me, huffing. is she apologising for having thrown me, or laughing at me? is she inviting me to climb back in the saddle, or daring me to? do i have the strength to accept the challenge one more time?

it is my misfortune to be primarily attracted to dominant women.

ok that's not entirely accurate. i find many submissive women very attractive too. but submissive women want to be dominated. duh! and while i quite enjoy giving a flogging, and think i might rather enjoy tying someone up and sticking needles in them too, should the opportunity arise, those are, for me, temporary diversions. my primary need is to submit.

case in point. recently at a party i flogged a submissive female friend. and it was great, it was a lot of fun, and it was quite erotic. afterwards, she went outside for a smoke. i don't smoke but i went with her - i'm not a flog 'em and leave 'em kinda girl. as she sat smoking, i sat at her feet and she stroked my hair. it wasn't something i planned, wasn't something i decided to do, it just happened. i flog someone and then the switch flips, and i find myself at their feet. i become even more submissive than usual. it's as though a balance has been disturbed and needs to be put right.

but i digress. why do i say it is a misfortune to be primarily attracted to dominant women? because dominant women are rare. very rare. and to compound the issue, it's seems i'm also primarily monogamous. i have tried poly and it has not worked for me. i'm not knocking it if it works for you, but it hasn't worked for me. and unattached dominant women? they're pretty much non-existent.

i'm screwed. and not in a good way.

and so i find myself alone again. without a Domme, without a lover, and, in a separate and unrelated development, about to become without a house-mate and in search of a new home.

i'm feeling lost, abandoned, sad, angry, confused and scared. there are times when i'm doing mundane, ordinary things, at the supermarket or on my lunch-time walk in the park, and i feel i cannot take another step, i just want to lie down right there where i am, curl up and cry my eyes out.

and while all this turmoil churns below the surface, life must go on, work must be done, money must be earned, bills must be paid. i go through my days smiling and nodding, while inside i'm screaming.

i miss her cunt.

i miss other things. many things. but when i lie awake at night, it's thoughts of my tongue in her cunt that haunt me.

i remember sliding down between her legs, kissing her belly and thighs. my lips brushing her labia, my tongue pressed against her clit. i hold it there, not moving, feeling her writhe under me, and then begin to lick. long, slow, gentle licks, quick flicks of the tongue, and sometimes just holding still, letting her move against me.

her fingers tangle in my hair, her legs wrap around my neck, her hips thrust up to meet me, she pants and moans and finally cries out in ecstasy, shuddering, and i rejoice.

i miss her.

good party last night. small crowd but fun all the same. got put over a big strong man's knee, spanked, paddled with a hair-brush, and caned! and i got several hugs from a pretty girl too! what more could a girl ask for? well quite a bit to be honest. like not having to go home alone afterwards, to an empty house, and an empty bed. ah well, such is life.