writing about my coffee-control fantasy here might have been a mistake. J does read this blog. which means, of course, that writing about just about anything here might be a mistake. including the subject of this post. ah well. keeping secrets from J isn't really an option at this stage anyway.

it started on monday evening. we were chatting in the alternativeni.co.uk chat room when J informed me that i was forbidden coffee or wine until further notice. i'd just made a cup of coffee and taken my first sip. i asked if i was allowed to finish it before the ban started, but no, i wasn't. i got up and poured it down the sink. J told me that i wasn't allowed another until midday on tuesday.

that cup of coffee at midday on tuesday was almost orgasmic. i sent J a text message and back came the reply: 'enjoy it, because it's your last until midday tomorrow'.

i did some serious begging in the chat room on tuesday night, and eventually J relented to the extent that i was allowed one cup of coffee on tuesday evening - but only on condition that today's midday cup got pushed back to two in the afternoon!

if you're a non coffee drinker, or a light coffee drinker, you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about. if you're a heavy coffee drinker, you'll know what i'm going through. i'm restless, irritable, and have the attention span of a goldfish. it's almost as bad as when i stopped smoking. coffee drinking is such an habitual part of my daily routine that i keep walking into the kitchen and picking up the kettle before suddenly remembering the ban.

so why do i do it? because i love the control, the submission. i just wish J was here in person, so that i could look into her eyes as i beg, so that she could see the gratitude in my eyes when she relents - and the acceptance when she doesn't.

soon, thankfully. soon.

my need for after-care, not very surprisingly, varies with the intensity and duration of play. but even after a relatively mild, short session, it's still very important to me to get at least a hug.

as a sub, i've just let someone hurt and / or humiliate me. afterwards i need reassurance. it's a cliché, i know, but i need to know they still respect me. that they don't despise me for letting them do nasty things to me.

i don't really know how it feels from the Dom/me side. i've been known to spank a cute bum occasionally, but that's not dominating, that's just topping, and it's not at all the same thing.

a case in point. last weekend, i took P by the hair, led her to the a-frame, tied her to the frame and flogged her. when she tried to top from the bottom, telling me to flog her harder, i took her by the hair again, pulled her head back, and growled in her ear "just who do you think is in charge here, slut?"

five minutes after i let her down off the a-frame, i was kneeling at her feet sucking her fingers, all thoughts of being in control gone from my head, and i was happy to see them go.

so i don't really know what a Dom/me feels like after a session. but i'm guessing that most Dom/mes like to get a hug too, that they too need reassurance. need to know that yes, i did want you to do that to me, yes, i did enjoy it, no, you're really not a bad person because you get off on doing nasty things to me.

not sure i can call this 'sub drop'. didn't experience the traditional endorphin high this weekend to come down from. but there was a lot of psychological submission. a lot of teasing, begging, emotional openness and vulnerability. a lot of being the real me, without pretences, barriers, and shields.

and now it's back to the mundane world. back to hiding so much of the real me behind all those phoney pretences and barriers again. back to keeping people at a distance - kind of ironic, when closeness is what i desire so much.

i was chatting with J and others in the alternative northern ireland chat room last night. i was about to go 'away from keyboard' to make coffee, and mentioned how much i enjoy my coffee. it's one of my few remaining vices. i quit smoking years ago, i have a fairly healthy diet, i do drink alcohol, but not very much.

J informed me that i was forbidden coffee from now on.

she was joking. J isn't really mean - although she can do a pretty good impression of being mean when she wants to! and i knew she was joking - well, i was fairly sure she was joking. and yet, just for a minute or two, i had an intense submissive experience.

i've always known that i enjoyed the psychological aspect of submission. but i surprised myself with the strength of my reactions, both emotional and physical. yes, physical. i was physically aroused. at the mere suggestion of having my coffee drinking habit under J's control!

it's a fantasy, of course, not realistic. most of us, hopefully, have lives, and have better things to be doing with our time and attention than to be controlling the mundane actions of others! it's fun to fantasize about, though, and taught me something about myself.

i'm a control slut. a control slut with independent and defiant tendencies, but a control slut none the less.

the alternative northern ireland forum can be found at: http://www.alternativeni.co.uk/

ouch! i thought my bum was sore last week! it really does hurt to sit down this week! i think i'm more bruised than i have ever been before!

R and M, two of the three lovely ladies who spanked me weekend before last at nimhneach, gave me a repeat of the experience last weekend. and then at the end of the night, just before R left, she decided to try out a new crop on my poor bum, which was already quite tender from the previous spanking!

of course, if you've been following this blog up to now, you know that i'm not really complaining about that! i do love it! there's a whole mix of varied intense emotions, from defiance to submission, bitter-sweet melancholy to euphoria, a natural high of adrenalin and endorphins coursing through the body.

but afterwards, i do need after-care. after an intense session i'm usually either close to tears, or need to close my eyes and cuddle and drift away for a bit. and not every Dom/me / Top is willing and / or able to do the whole after-care thing. with some it's a bit wam, bam, thank you slut, a quick hug and they're off for a smoke!

that's how it was on saturday night. after the spanking i just curled up and drifted away on my own - a bit of a strange experience at a party surrounded by people!