writing about my coffee-control fantasy here might have been a mistake. J does read this blog. which means, of course, that writing about just about anything here might be a mistake. including the subject of this post. ah well. keeping secrets from J isn't really an option at this stage anyway.

it started on monday evening. we were chatting in the alternativeni.co.uk chat room when J informed me that i was forbidden coffee or wine until further notice. i'd just made a cup of coffee and taken my first sip. i asked if i was allowed to finish it before the ban started, but no, i wasn't. i got up and poured it down the sink. J told me that i wasn't allowed another until midday on tuesday.

that cup of coffee at midday on tuesday was almost orgasmic. i sent J a text message and back came the reply: 'enjoy it, because it's your last until midday tomorrow'.

i did some serious begging in the chat room on tuesday night, and eventually J relented to the extent that i was allowed one cup of coffee on tuesday evening - but only on condition that today's midday cup got pushed back to two in the afternoon!

if you're a non coffee drinker, or a light coffee drinker, you're probably wondering what all the fuss is about. if you're a heavy coffee drinker, you'll know what i'm going through. i'm restless, irritable, and have the attention span of a goldfish. it's almost as bad as when i stopped smoking. coffee drinking is such an habitual part of my daily routine that i keep walking into the kitchen and picking up the kettle before suddenly remembering the ban.

so why do i do it? because i love the control, the submission. i just wish J was here in person, so that i could look into her eyes as i beg, so that she could see the gratitude in my eyes when she relents - and the acceptance when she doesn't.

soon, thankfully. soon.

my need for after-care, not very surprisingly, varies with the intensity and duration of play. but even after a relatively mild, short session, it's still very important to me to get at least a hug.

as a sub, i've just let someone hurt and / or humiliate me. afterwards i need reassurance. it's a cliché, i know, but i need to know they still respect me. that they don't despise me for letting them do nasty things to me.

i don't really know how it feels from the Dom/me side. i've been known to spank a cute bum occasionally, but that's not dominating, that's just topping, and it's not at all the same thing.

a case in point. last weekend, i took P by the hair, led her to the a-frame, tied her to the frame and flogged her. when she tried to top from the bottom, telling me to flog her harder, i took her by the hair again, pulled her head back, and growled in her ear "just who do you think is in charge here, slut?"

five minutes after i let her down off the a-frame, i was kneeling at her feet sucking her fingers, all thoughts of being in control gone from my head, and i was happy to see them go.

so i don't really know what a Dom/me feels like after a session. but i'm guessing that most Dom/mes like to get a hug too, that they too need reassurance. need to know that yes, i did want you to do that to me, yes, i did enjoy it, no, you're really not a bad person because you get off on doing nasty things to me.

not sure i can call this 'sub drop'. didn't experience the traditional endorphin high this weekend to come down from. but there was a lot of psychological submission. a lot of teasing, begging, emotional openness and vulnerability. a lot of being the real me, without pretences, barriers, and shields.

and now it's back to the mundane world. back to hiding so much of the real me behind all those phoney pretences and barriers again. back to keeping people at a distance - kind of ironic, when closeness is what i desire so much.

i was chatting with J and others in the alternative northern ireland chat room last night. i was about to go 'away from keyboard' to make coffee, and mentioned how much i enjoy my coffee. it's one of my few remaining vices. i quit smoking years ago, i have a fairly healthy diet, i do drink alcohol, but not very much.

J informed me that i was forbidden coffee from now on.

she was joking. J isn't really mean - although she can do a pretty good impression of being mean when she wants to! and i knew she was joking - well, i was fairly sure she was joking. and yet, just for a minute or two, i had an intense submissive experience.

i've always known that i enjoyed the psychological aspect of submission. but i surprised myself with the strength of my reactions, both emotional and physical. yes, physical. i was physically aroused. at the mere suggestion of having my coffee drinking habit under J's control!

it's a fantasy, of course, not realistic. most of us, hopefully, have lives, and have better things to be doing with our time and attention than to be controlling the mundane actions of others! it's fun to fantasize about, though, and taught me something about myself.

i'm a control slut. a control slut with independent and defiant tendencies, but a control slut none the less.

the alternative northern ireland forum can be found at: http://www.alternativeni.co.uk/

ouch! i thought my bum was sore last week! it really does hurt to sit down this week! i think i'm more bruised than i have ever been before!

R and M, two of the three lovely ladies who spanked me weekend before last at nimhneach, gave me a repeat of the experience last weekend. and then at the end of the night, just before R left, she decided to try out a new crop on my poor bum, which was already quite tender from the previous spanking!

of course, if you've been following this blog up to now, you know that i'm not really complaining about that! i do love it! there's a whole mix of varied intense emotions, from defiance to submission, bitter-sweet melancholy to euphoria, a natural high of adrenalin and endorphins coursing through the body.

but afterwards, i do need after-care. after an intense session i'm usually either close to tears, or need to close my eyes and cuddle and drift away for a bit. and not every Dom/me / Top is willing and / or able to do the whole after-care thing. with some it's a bit wam, bam, thank you slut, a quick hug and they're off for a smoke!

that's how it was on saturday night. after the spanking i just curled up and drifted away on my own - a bit of a strange experience at a party surrounded by people!

ow! my bum hurts! i have bruises on my bruises!

i almost didn't go to nimhneach on saturday. it snowed, i had no one to go with this month, and i'd just realized that something on which i'd set my heart is never going to happen. but i haven't missed nimhneach once since it moved to the academy, and it would be a shame to break an unbroken record! and it turned out a good night after all! i met up with some friends at the club, and ended up getting soundly spanked by three lovely ladies - all at the same time!

thank you, ladies! you know who you are!

last weekend J and L came down from belfast and we went to a party at D's. D has his attic converted into a dungeon with a hoist and a spanking bench and a cage and all sorts of good stuff! so it's kinda strange that so many people spend so much time at D's parties in the kitchen! proximity to the back door and the smoking area is probably the attraction, i guess! having given up smoking myself way back in 2004, i had forgotten just how much a smoker's life revolves around the habit!

it was fun watching O and C play with L. C, who i'd only ever seen before in a submissive role, was a revelation - lot's of tender, gentle kissing and nibbling punctuated with sudden, sharp slaps! beautiful to watch and judging from L's reactions must have been a lot of fun to experience, too.

i had mentioned to J recently that she has a habit of easing off and / or switching implements very quickly as soon as i start showing signs of pain. i said it was ok to push it a bit. i guess she must have been taking notes, because that's exactly what she did this time! i got the hardest flogging and spanking i've ever had! each time i found myself on the edge of what i could stand, instead of easing off as she always has before, she pushed it just that little bit further. and i loved it!

there is, unfortunately, a price to be paid for an intense session like that - and not just the fact that my bum is still tender and bruised, and i probably won't be able to have much fun at nimhneach this weekend! no the real price was paid during the week, all week.

the emotions generated during and after a session like that run deep. i've been feeling lonely and clingy and insecure all week. felt like i was almost on the verge of panic at times. i need hugs, and i can't get them - not while J is in belfast and i'm in dublin! but thankfully the week is almost over now.

is it worth it? i'm not sure the question can be answered. i'm not sure i have a choice. could i really give it up now? i almost wrote could i go back to a vanilla life, but did i really ever have a vanilla life? there was a time when i didn't get to play, but that's not the same thing.

weekend before last, i was at the inaugural event of the 'shamrock spanking society'. i know, i know, it's a truly cringe-worthy name. but don't let that put you off. the people are lovely and the event was a great success.

the venue was wonderfully atmospheric. the rooms were a bit cold at night, but hey, that's what cuddling is for. ok, that's one of the things cuddling is for! i'm not sure of exact numbers but think there must have been about 100 of us. we had the hotel booked out between us. i was, as far as i know, the only transgendered person at the party. that was a bit scary, but everyone was friendly. well apart from one poor young barman, who wasn't unfriendly, but appeared to be frightened out of his wits! anyway facing down scary situations like that is liberating. well it was for me. hopefully it was for the barman too! everything was well organised, with the possible exception of the music, but at events like these, with such a broad spectrum of ages and tastes, it's notoriously impossible to satisfy everyone when it comes to music. and no one was there for the music anyway.

we were, of course, there for the spanking. which is where things kinda fell apart for me. it was, for me personally, a spanking party with very little spanking! but that was down to personal circumstances, no fault of the event organisers. there was plenty of spanking going on. just for other people. not for me. boo! ah well, i got to make up for that last weekend, which i'll tell you all about later.

anyway, if you're into spanking and / or being spanked, check out the shamrock spanking society. just google it. oh ok, i'll do it for you, see what a nice person i am?

http://www.google.ie/search?q=shamrock+spanking+society

i wasn't expecting much play last weekend. poor J was recovering from dental surgery! i was expecting to spend the weekend keeping her company and looking after her. i didn't think she'd be in the mood for kinkiness. i should have known better!

the hints that things might turn out differently began before i'd even left dublin, with teasing on-line and text messages. my hopes were raised! and then in the event friday night turned out to be a quiet night after all. we watched a movie and went to bed. J teased and aroused me and then went to sleep! hopes dashed! but the weekend was still young!

on saturday we went to the diwali and samhain festival at the ulster museum for some nepalese food and irish music! it was fun, but rather cold, so we didn't stay very long!

back at J's place that night, she described her plans for me!

for some time now, J has been threatening / promising to use her anal hook on me! it looks like this ...



tonight, i was informed, was to be the night of the anal hook! J was going to insert the hook in me, tie me up, and then do some needle play!

things didn't go quite according to plan! no sooner was the hook in than we realised that the experience was so intense all by itself that the addition of rope bondage and needle play would have been more than i could stand! having the hook in was like being right on the edge of orgasm - and staying there! the least movement sent me into sensory overload! of course J took advantage of this by spanking me to make me squirm! and then she brought out the hitachi!

before the night was over i was pleading to be allowed an orgasm! J kept me begging and pleading for what seemed like ages, but eventually relented and allowed me one!

on sunday we enjoyed the needle-play that we'd had to postpone on saturday. two pentagrams on my back, corset-style lacing on my bum, and more corset-style lacing binding my thighs together. later there was more teasing, and more begging. but this time J did not relent! she brought me right to the edge of orgasm - and stopped!

this was the last night of our weekend. in the morning i had to leave belfast and drive back to dublin, and i won't see J again for two weeks.

i lay awake that night, listening to J's breathing, struggling with sexual frustration and emotional conflict. on one level i was angry with J. how could she do this to me? on another level i was grateful. this was, after all, what i wanted. the psychological aspect of submission is important to me. i want to be controlled, and J had just very decisively established her control! and of course i will never again take an orgasm for granted with J! every time we play i will be wondering ... will she? won't she? and the sexual excitement is all the more intense for that!

it was an emotionally intense experience - perhaps almost as intense on the emotional level as the anal hook the day before was intense on the physical level. when morning came i was feeling clingy and vulnerable. i wanted cuddles and reassurance. but it wasn't to be. i needed to get back to dublin for work and poor J was still suffering the effects of dental surgery, and not really in any condition for deep and meaningful conversation at five o'clock in the morning!

monday was a strange day. i felt disoriented, out of step with the mundane world to which i had returned. something had been interrupted, left unfinished, and was going to keep nagging at me until i completed it. and no, i don't mean the orgasm! i needed to talk to J, to tell her how i was feeling, to reaffirm the bond.

fortunately, we were able to chat on-line that night. i described to J how i was feeling, much as i've described it here. that was all i needed, really, as soon as i'd told her, i felt better. though we did agree that next time it might be better to pick a day when we're not going to have to part so early the next morning!

well it's about time!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20101103/ten-same-sex-pair-on-israel-s-strictly-t-8a3eada.html

saturday was a busy day! a needle-play workshop in the afternoon, and nimhneach that night!

the workshop was an especially interesting one for me for two reasons. one because it was presented by friends of mine, and two because it was on a subject that is becoming close to my heart, needle-play.

J and i have done needle-play twice now, and the second time in particular was a very intense experience, for both of us. one of the presenters at the workshop is a physiologist, and one is a doctor, so it was interesting and reassuring to get the scientific and medical views! there was also a breaking-the-ice, getting-to-know-each-other table-quiz, which my team won, yay! and J told everyone that the time she put 105 needles in me was the most intense bdsm experience she's had so far, i was so proud!

after the workshop (and a very yummie meal in a nice chinese restaurant) we went back to the apartment that we had rented for the night and hung out there until it was time to get dressed up for nimhneach. it was halloween - well actually sunday was halloween, but saturday kinda became unofficial halloween for most people because, well because who wants to celebrate halloween on a sunday when you have to be up for work on monday morning?  i wore my devil-girl outfit complete with tacky little red plastic horns, tail, and pitchfork! once again we walked the length of o'connell street to get to the club, an invigorating if somewhat nervous - and draughty! - experience!

at the club J caught me somewhat by surprise by leading me to the frame for a good flogging quite early in the night! she usually tends to wait until later. it was nice to get started earlier, set me up in the best mood for the rest of the night! we danced, and J sang 'you look good on the dance-floor' to me! i would have sung it back, but you really don't want to hear me trying to sing! trust me, you just don't!

later, when J was playfully threatening me with a flogger, i grabbed it from her, turned the tables on her and gave her a flogging instead!

this is something i've very rarely done before. i don't really consider myself a switch, i don't think i have a dominant side. but i did enjoy giving J something that i knew she would enjoy, and i do enjoy showing off, so i quite enjoyed the display of physical co-ordination! given that i have very little experience of flogging anyone, it was probably a bit arrogant of me to assume that i had any skill to show off. but i used to have a job that required a lot of fast, accurate, coordinated movement. when you do something several hours a day, several days a week, for years, you don't forget it in a hurry! i was fairly sure that the skills i learned back then would cross over, and judging from the feedback i got i don't seem to have been too far wrong.

it was a little disconcerting afterwards that J ran happily off to say hi to an old friend she'd spotted in the crowd while i was flogging her, while i turned to our other friends, clutched my flogging arm, and said 'ow!' i'm not sure just which one of us was in the most pain at that point! they don't call J 'kevlar-bum' for nothing!

I mentioned in a previous post that J and I went to see Nic Green's 'Trilogy'. Part of the performance was a showing of a film of a 1971 debate in New York town hall at which one of the speakers was Germaine Greer. J and I were both impressed by Greer's speech. Imagine our disappointment then when we learned of Greer's attitude toward transsexuals, as expressed in these excerpts from her book 'The Whole Woman' in a chapter insultingly titled 'Pantomime Dames'.

"There is a witness to the transsexual's script, a witness who is never consulted. She is the person who built the transsexual's body of her own flesh and brought it up as her son or daughter, the transsexual's worst enemy, his/her mother. Whatever else it is gender reassignment is an exorcism of the mother. When a man decides to spend his life impersonating his mother (like Norman Bates in Psycho) it is as if he murders her and gets away with it, proving at a stroke that there was nothing to her."

These are meaningless assertions with no basis in reality. They are gross over-generalisations and like all gross over-generalisations they are absurd. The mother is 'never consulted'? Never? No transsexual person has ever consulted his or her mother? And Greer would know this how, precisely? Stripped of Greer's rhetoric and expressed in plain and simple language the statement is plainly absurd because a) it is highly unlikely to be true and b) as no one has every been present at every discussion between every transsexual person and his or her mother, neither Greer not anyone else will ever know how many mothers have or have not been consulted!  

I will refrain from rising to the bait of Greer's use of the word 'it' in the quote above, as that is so far beneath contempt as to be unworthy of a response.

Where is Greer's evidence that a transsexual person's worst enemy is his or her mother? Where is her evidence that gender reassignment is 'an exorcism of the mother'? Where is her evidenced that a male to female transsexual is 'impersonating his mother'? What does the reference to Norman Bates and 'Psycho' add to her argument, other than to be gratuitously insulting? What do any of these statements actually mean? Where in all of her ranting is there any acknowledgement of the existence of female to male transsexuals? Their existence does not support her argument, therefore she pretends that they do not exist. Neither, apparently, do fathers.

"No so-called sex-change has ever begged for a uterus-and-ovaries transplant; if uterus-and-ovaries transplants were made mandatory for wannabe women they would disappear overnight."

Again, an assertion for which Greer has no evidence. She has no basis for this claim. She would know this how? She has not been present at every consultation, she does not know what transsexual people have or have not asked for. Are we supposed to believe that she somehow magically knows how transsexual people would react to the offer of uterus-and-ovaries transplants if they were available? Are we supposed to believe that she is omniscient? Transplantation of the uterus remains an area of research and experimentation (see the links below) so for Greer to hold it up as some litmus test of the sincerity of transsexual people is akin to accusing migraine sufferers of faking it because they are not queuing up for head transplants.

"As sufferers from gender role distress themselves, women must sympathize with transsexuals but a feminist must argue that the treatment for gender role distress is not mutilation of the sufferer but radical change of gender roles."

I'm not sure quite how, in Greer's head, she manages to reconcile the statement that 'women must sympathize with transsexuals' with her own gross insensitivity and penchant for gratuitous insults. Whatever. I think we will survive without her sympathy. And I don't accept her argument that radical change of gender roles is necessarily the solution to all gender role distress. It is entirely possible that even in a society free of rigid, imposed gender roles, some transsexual people would still need the surgical option. But we do not live in such a society, and unfortunately are unlikely to live in such a society in the near future. Radical change of gender roles is not going to happen in the short term. To suggest that it is the solution for those who need help right now is unrealistic and cruel. 

But yes, yes, a thousand times yes to radical change of gender roles! Stop trying to make me dress the way you think I should, behave the way you think I should, think and feel the way you think I should, on the basis of whether I was born with a penis or a vagina! 

It's amazing the way some people believe their arguments apply to everyone but themselves, isn't it?

Some articles on ovary and uterus transplantation ...

http://www.reproduction-online.org/cgi/content/full/136/6/671

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2010/06/02/humrep.deq109.abstract

Some articles on Germaine Greer and her attitude to transsexual people ...

http://nataliaantonova.com/2009/08/21/germaine-greer-still-glowin-still-crowin-still-transphobic-as-hell/

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Rogue%20Theories/Greer/Exorcism%20of%20the%20mother.html

http://feministphilosophers.wordpress.com/2008/05/05/another-take-on-germaine-greer/

http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2009/08/22/germaine-greer-paints-a-portrait-of-transphobic-feminism/

http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2009/08/greer_shows_her

http://katebornstein.typepad.com/kate_bornsteins_blog/2009/08/has-germaine-greer-become-a-ghastly-parody.html

http://sharpietaboo.wordpress.com/2009/08/23/germaine-greer-upholds-sexist-binary-ideals-in-anti-trans-column-on-runner/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Germaine_Greer

http://transgriot.blogspot.com/2009/08/germaine-greer-still-hatin-after-all.html

http://eumelia.livejournal.com/425593.html

went to see Nic Green's 'trilogy' with J on sunday night. it was amazing, lots of fun and thought-provoking and inspiring at the same time. and J was one of several brave women from the audience who accepted the invitation to join the cast on stage and sing 'jerusalem' - naked! i was so proud of her i thought i would burst!

to another friend of ours who was among the cast, you were wonderful, well done you, hope you enjoyed performing as much as we enjoyed watching!

if you get the chance, go see trilogy, you won't regret it!

you can read more about trilogy here ...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/gallery/2010/jan/14/nic-green-trilogy-theatre

desire is sneaky. it creeps up on you and pounces on you when you least expect it.

and there seem to be at least two forms of desire. there's the very physical, so hard and throbbing it hurts desire, and the deep down emptiness yearning to be filled desire.

it's tempting to call them male and female desire, but that's probably an over-simplification. we probably all feel them both in various degrees.

one is the desire to fuck or be fucked. the other is the desire to be loved. me? i desire to be fucked by someone who loves me.

it would be nice to get more feedback. it can feel like i'm talking to myself here sometimes. a few people have indicated that issues with signing in have discouraged them from leaving comments. the problem with allowing anonymous unmoderated comments is that those horrible spammer creatures will pollute your blog with advertising masquerading as comments.

so i've enabled anonymous comments but also enabled moderation. you should now be able to comment without signing in, but your comment won't appear until i approve it. ooh! i have the power! no but seriously folks. i check in here most days, and am seldom away for more than a couple of days, so you shouldn't have to wait long. so c'mon, what are you waiting for? get commenting!

spam will not be approved. constructive criticism will be approved. bigoted homophobic / transphobic bullshit will be consigned to the dustbin of history where it belongs. have a nice day!

wednesday october 20th is 'wear purple day', in memory of those who have been driven into taking their own lives as a result of homophobic abuse. i'll be wearing purple on wednesday. join me?

you can read more about 'wear purple day' here:
http://thenewsoftoday.com/october-20th-spirit-day-wear-purple-to-honor-tyler-clementi-asher-brown/3365/

i had two new experiences this weekend.

the first was rope bondage. surprisingly enough, i've never actually been tied up, as opposed to being tied to something, such as an a-frame or a saint andrew's cross, before. but J has been to a few rope bondage workshops recently and decided to show me her new hemp rope and what she can do with it! she bound my arms behind my back and criss-crossed ropes across my chest. the result was quite flattering! i felt deliciously helpless and vulnerable. i would have liked to have stayed that way for a while, but apparently my arms were beginning to turn purple, so i was only allowed to remain tied up long enough for J to take a few pictures and then she untied me again. 

next up was more needle play. last time J put 40 needles in me, this time it was 105! this was a really intense experience. it's difficult to explain the feeling, each individual needle doesn't really hurt that much, and they only hurt going in (and to a lesser extent coming out). once they're in, they quickly stop hurting. so in theory, there doesn't seem to be much reason why the 105th needle should hurt any more than the first one. but somehow there is a build up of pain - or perhaps a wearing down of endurance? either way, toward the end i was really beginning to think i couldn't take much more. and yet i loved every moment of it! 

all this happened on saturday night. on sunday morning - or possibly it may have been early afternoon, we had a bit of a lazy day - i was introduced to my second new experience of the weekend, a hitachi magic wand! it had a rather more dramatic effect on J than it did on me, but i found it intensely pleasurable too! 

i also got spanked! bare-handed! floggers and paddles and canes and such are all very nice, but there's something exquisitely intimate and personal about a good old-fashioned bare-handed spanking! 

somewhere in the midst of all that i somehow found myself agreeing to a belly-button piercing! we haven't done it, yet, but i've agreed to it! eep!

and yes, i did get to have an orgasm! in fact i got to have two, again, and they were awesome, again. i had to do some serious begging for the second one. i know i'm not going to keep getting away with this, J has already told me how much she enjoys the idea of letting me reach the peak of arousal and denying me an orgasm! and just knowing that she's thinking about it, and enjoying the idea, is such an incredible turn on! i'm experiencing such conflicting emotions when i think about it. it's going to be very hard to take ... and yet .... and yet ...

if you're interested in those rope bondage workshops, you can check out the organisers web site here: http://www.thecinch.org/

getting to that 'can't think about anything else' stage again. chastity focuses the mind wonderfully. want to ensure that your lover thinks about you several times a day? control her orgasms. trust me, she'll think of you!

J is coming to my place for the weekend! this of course does not mean that an orgasm is guaranteed. well, not for me, anyway. i can only hope that she's joking about february!

i'm pretty much guaranteed a good flogging, at least. and i haven't had one of those in two weeks, either. J also mentioned bringing needles, so more needle play would appear to be on the agenda. more scarily, she says she's bringing the humbler!

eep!

i'm mostly better at this stage. the sniffles are lingering on, as sniffles do. but the other symptoms are mostly gone now.

this is of course a very good thing. but one of the side effects of getting better is that my body has suddenly remembered that it hasn't had an orgasm in ten days.

remind me again, why did i think this was a good idea?

oh yeah. that's right. the intensity of emotion. and it is intense. few things make me feel owned, under control, quite as intensely as this does.

had a lovely dinner with G and S on sunday night. we got to talking about an upcoming needle-play workshop and how we thought that would be different from one-to-one needle play. i described how, when J inserts a needle, i can whimper and not feel the least bit self-conscious about it. because girls are allowed to whimper. and when i'm with J i'm all girl, and that whole male machismo thing just isn't there. it would be much more difficult to get into that mind-frame at a workshop.

the other thing on which G and i agreed is that we need after-care after needle play. if you're gonna stick needles in us, you damn well better make time to cuddle with us afterwards!

i'm sick.

yeah, yeah, i know, you knew that already, very funny, ha ha.

no i mean i'm ill. runny nose, sore throat, cough, aches in places i didn't know i had places, all that yucky stuff.

on the upside, it does rather effectively distract me from the whole chastity thing.

on the downside, J says that as i'm distracted, it doesn't really count. in fact she says that for each day i'm sick, she's adding a week to the time i have to wait for my next orgasm!

eep!

she's probably just saying that to scare me.

probably.

i got to have an orgasm! in fact, i got to have two! and they were awesome!

of course there's no knowing when the next one will be. J said something about february. she probably just said that to scare me. probably. there was also some mention of finding a way for me to earn time back. i'm not sure if i should be hopeful or scared!

i also got to experience needle play. that was awesome too. it doesn't hurt all that much, certainly no more than the average flogging. but it takes a few seconds to take each needle out of its sterile packaging, so there's that few seconds of anticipation between the insertion of each needle that makes the experience more intense. and of course there's a high level of trust involved in lying there and letting someone insert sharp objects under your skin.

another first was breath play. no masks or gags, just J's hand over my mouth and nose. very intimate and spontaneous, no paraphernalia or preparation required. i loved it. 

i am in thrall, as surely as if i were wearing a physical device. the knowledge of how disappointed i would be, the sense of failure i would experience, is more effective than any lock. locks have keys. anyone who can obtain a key can open a lock. this restriction only J can lift.

it's a bit difficult to think of something to write about when the only thing on my mind is how desperately i want an orgasm.

you don't really need to listen to me going on about that. if that's your thing, go to any chat room or social networking site. you'll find an endless supply of hngs (horny net geeks) who will be only too happy to tell you how horny they are.

it's been eleven days now, which is a personal record. to the best of my memory, the longest i've ever gone between orgasms before, since puberty, was ten days.

i don't usually remember my dreams, but i had a vivid erotic dream last night, which involved being grabbed by the hair, bent over a table, and fucked up the bum with a strap-on.

what's really scary is that, after this coming weekend, i won't see J again for at least two, maybe three weeks.

eep!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEsYjDtKuKo&ob=av2n

i may be close to solving the mystery of spontaneous combustion.

it was, among other things, a weekend without an orgasm. it's been eight days now. not really a long time, but rather a lot has happened within that time. i've been flogged. i've been stripped and paraded around semi-naked. i've been touched in intimate and sensitive places. i've seen others enjoy orgasms and been the giver of orgasms.

under those circumstances eight days can seem like an eternity.

and yet i'm not really tempted. any attraction that the idea of fleeting solitary release might have is outweighed by the knowledge of how disappointed i would be afterwards.

i will wait.

it's going to be a long week.

J and six other friends from northern ireland arrived down for nimhneach yesterday. they rented an apartment for the night. i met them there, got changed, and we walked to the club together. the apartment was near the north end of o'connell street and the academy (the venue for nimhneach) is near the south end of o'connell street, so we walked pretty much the whole length of o'connell street. this was a first for me. usually we get a taxi to the academy and the furthest i walk outside is across the street from the taxi into the club.

i had very mixed feelings about the walk. it was a liberating feeling to be out there in a dress, but scary too. i wanted to get to the club quickly. but some of the others needed cash, so we stopped at an a.t.m. of course there had to be some drunk guy at the head of the queue, who was apparently determined to break the world record for taking the longest time to take money out of an a.t.m! luckily for me, our little troupe included four lovely ladies in corsets and fishnets. everyone was far too busy ogling them to pay any attention to me!

at the club J put a neck-to-wrist restraint on me. i'd told her this was one of my fantasies. J, ever thoughtful, declined to restrain my hands behind my back, in case i might hurt myself if i fell. so she fastened the cuffs in front of me instead. we had a couple of drinks, chatted with some friends, and then J led me to the frame in the back room for some spanking and flogging.

i surprised myself by slipping into sub-space quite easily. after the experience last week, when i went deeper than i ever had before, it's almost as though subspace is a place and i've learned the way, and know how to get back there now. J led me to a seat afterwards and cuddled me until i was ready to come back. friends approached me afterwards checking that i was ok, commenting that i'd been on the frame for a long time and taken quite a beating. i was quite surprised, it didn't feel to me like a long time or an unusually intense session.

it was nice to have friends looking out for me, but not really necessary when i'm with J. she knows me well, knows what i can take and how to read my signals. i'm safe in her care.

when i was ready to come back down to earth, we socialised some more, and danced a bit. dancing in a neck to wrist restraint was another new experience! it was a bit strange at first, but i managed! my feet began to hurt and i had to take my heels off and dance barefoot. this made me pretty much one of the smallest people in the room, the girls in their heels were towering over me! J got flogged too, and i got to cuddle her this time.

when the club closed, we walked back to the apartment, stopping off for burgers and chips on the way. i got to give A a foot rub. it's always nice to make a girl go 'ooh', even if it's only by rubbing her feet! and then J and i retired to one of the bedrooms, and what happened there i will leave to your imaginations - even a kinky exhibitionist has to keep a few little secrets after all!

the other thing that happened last night was that we watched tranny porn.

i probably should be offended by this stuff. it certainly shows transgendered people from a very stereotyped one-dimensional viewpoint. submissive sex objects with the sole purpose of satisfying the sexual urges of men. and some people are influenced by this stuff. some people have their ideas of what transgendered people are like shaped by this stuff.

um ... but .... wait a minute ... don't i sometimes fantasize about being exactly what these movies portray? wouldn't it therefore be somewhat hypocritical to be offended by it?

it generally doesn't bother me watching this stuff with other girls. the one time i really felt uncomfortable about it was when someone put it on at a party where most of the people present were cisgendered. in that context, it felt like a freak show.

of course what's really offensive about tranny porn is that it's so predictably, boringly repetitive!

i went for a drive and a walk last night. i learned a lesson from a previous drive from belfast to dublin, and took my heels off while driving this time, and drove in my stockinged feet. it's not that i can't drive in heels, i can. the problem is the carpet scratches the heck out of your heels.

my favourite ankle boots have never been the same since that drive from belfast to dublin. it was fun. driving from belfast to dublin in five inch heels is something everyone should experience once. but once you've done it that first time, spare your heels and drive barefoot or bring flats!

it was kinda tough to remain ladylike while taking heels off and later putting them back on in the confined space of a driving seat, though. there were legs everywhere!

we parked the car and walked for a while. that was fun too, but the drive was the most enjoyable part of the experience for me. it was scary at first being out there driving around in a little black dress. and yes, the fear, the adrenaline rush, is part of the buzz. but after i'd been driving around for a while that faded, i relaxed, and it all felt very natural and normal, as though i drove around in a little black dress every day. and that was a buzz too.

i experienced being lusted after last night.

i may have been lusted after before. it would be nice to think so. but i've never been as aware of being lusted after, or felt it as intensely, as i did last night.

i have a whole new appreciation of the phrase 'melting in his/her arms'. i felt overwhelmed, felt my will slipping away, the desire to surrender becoming irresistible.

the desire remained unconsummated. my promise to J remains unbroken. i don't regret it. orgasms, wonderful as they are, are fleeting things. do you remember your last one? the one before that? how about the one before that? i don't.

but i will remember how i felt last night, with strong arms around me and hot breath panting hungrily in my ear, probably for the rest of my life.

J has found a new way to torment me! sending me text messages in the middle of the day describing her plans for me at the weekend! eep!

must admit it was rather an effective distraction from the mid-week blues though!

yay! finally! my comment cherry got popped! woo hoo! thank you Rusty for the kind words, and yes, you did make me smile!

until last night, the chastity thing wasn't a problem. i was tired, sore, and generally unenthusiastic about life, the universe, and everything. it was, for a while, easy not to think about sex.

of course that didn't last.

i'm not sure what changed. i'm still tired, if not quite as sore as i was. still feeling a bit low after the highs of last weekend, but consoling myself by looking forward to next weekend.

whatever the reason, suddenly it's no longer easy to be good. last night was difficult. this morning was worse.

i hope J is feeling generous this weekend!

the drop is hard, this time. there's the physical reaction. the withdrawal from the endorphin high. but more than that, i spent the weekend surrounded by people with whom i could be myself. people before whom i could dance in nothing but a fishnet kaftan. now it's back to putting on an act, pretending to be someone who is not me.

i spoke briefly with G when she got home from work last night, and she used the phrase 'back to reality'. but in a sense what happened at the weekend was reality, it's the workday me that is a fantasy. someone else's fantasy.

it's not all negative. if i dig deep enough, i can still find that inner peace.

this will pass.

pretty much ever since we met, J has been threatening me with a chastity device. when she told me she was considering putting one on me last weekend, and leaving it on me until next weekend, i figured it was time to stop dithering and tell her just how i felt about the whole thing.

i really don't want to wear a device, and not for what you may think is the obvious reason. it's not the chastity that bothers me, it's the device. they're ugly. they make an unsightly bulge under a dress. and they're just so ... male. how's a girl s'posed to feel feminine with something like that between her legs? it would be different if i could wear something as pretty as this ...



... but no, the device in question looks more like this ...



... yuck!

but the surrender, the giving up of control over one's own body, the sense of being owned, that is something that i crave.

and so we agreed. J will not make me wear a device, but my orgasms now belong to her. i will experience them when she says so, and only when she says so. i will not cheat, and i will not lie. i will resist temptation, and should i fail i will not attempt to deny the failure, i will confess it and accept punishment.

already i feel more alive, sensations are more intense, the merest touch of J's hand anywhere on my body makes me quiver.

urgh! i'm tired, i'm sore, i'm coming down hard from the highs of the weekend, and i miss J!

luckily, i have another special weekend to look forward to. it's a nimhneach weekend, and J and other friends from northern ireland are coming down.

there's something else that i very much hope might happen at the weekend, but more about that later!

the weekend started with J arriving from belfast. meeting J is always a great start to any weekend, even when she arrives while i'm in the shower! in hindsight, the fact that i had to answer the door dripping wet in my bathrobe could perhaps be viewed as an omen of what was to come!

no sooner had we arrived at our destination for the weekend than i made my first big mistake. i introduced J to P. why was this a mistake? because they are both full of wicked ideas! no sooner had i introduced them than P was showing J his wooden shoe horn. no ordinary shoe horn, this one has a handle nearly a meter long and makes a ferocious spanking implement! it was quickly decided that a demonstration was called for. i was ordered to strip naked and bend over a table while P applied the shoe horn to my poor bare bum!

when the spanking was over, i reached for my clothes, only to be told that i would not be needing them for the rest of the weekend! i asked for permission to wear my fishnet kaftan, and J allowed me to wear it, and shoes when we went outside, but nothing else! the kaftan is barely crotch-length, and entirely see-through, so i was effectively kept naked for the weekend!

much of what followed is a bit hazy! i can't keep track of what happened when! there was more spanking, and flogging, and pinching, and nipping with J's strong sharp teeth! i was ordered to stand still and raise my hands over my head while P applied a cane to my crotch! i was flogged by J, and J and i were flogged together by C! J and i had our ankles cuffed together and were bent over a table and flogged together by P and D.

it was during that particular flogging that i had the deepest, most intense experience of sub-space so far. my poor bum was already quite tender at that stage. the pain was quite intense. i was close to my limit, i didn't think i was going to be able to take any more. and then something happened. i stretched out across the table and relaxed, and the pain went away. i was in a place where nothing could hurt me.

when it ended i could hear J and D asking me if i was ok. i could feel their hands on me, encouraging me to stand. i murmured some kind of reply. i wanted to reassure them, to let them know i was ok, so that they wouldn't worry, but didn't really want to talk or move, didn't want to break the spell. they led me to a mattress and let me lay down and J cuddled me until i was ready to return to the world again.

it wasn't all spanking and flogging, of course. we were fortunate enough to be in a secluded spot where we could go outside without encountering any neighbours or passers-by. so there were naked walks in the woods, and naked tree-climbing, and even some naked sun-bathing, although in typical irish fashion this was cut short by a shower of rain!

another highlight of the weekend was dancing to reggae music with C! dancing while wearing nothing but a fishnet kaftan was a new experience, i highly recommend it, especially with a dance partner as confident and graceful as C!

and then it was back home on sunday, where J and i got to chill out and reminisce over a nice bottle of wine, a perfect end to a perfect weekend!

well the poll is closed and the final results are in. and the conclusion is, that the reason no one posts any comments on this blog is that no one has anything to say.

on the other hand, there was only one vote. possibly this may not be an entirely representative sample.

dinner and wine last night with my housemate G and her boyfriend S. good food, good wine, good conversation, what more could a girl ask for on a wednesday night? G cooks a mean lasagne! i was called upon to make a toast, i proposed a toast to next weekend, but was reminded that last weekend was also rather special, so we agreed to toast weekends in general. although if last night was anything to go by, week-middles can be pretty cool too!

it's wednesday. mid-week. it must be some kind of psychological trigger. it's such a cliché. mid-week drop. but sure enough, right on cue, the drop has hit. the high is gone. the euphoria has faded. the endorphins are no longer coursing through the blood. elvis has left the building.

luckily, i have some rather exciting plans for the weekend to look forward to!

had kind of a hectic day at work today. touch and go as to whether i'll be able to solve a problem in the time available. and it's happening because people ignored my warnings that this was going to happen. i suppose i could take some satisfaction in being proved right, but given that i'm the one who has to clean up the mess, on the whole i'd rather have been wrong.

so am i stressed out? nah, not really. pretty much kept cool and managed not to lose my temper. and all because i'm still enjoying that nice warm fuzzy feeling as a result of all the fun at the weekend.

i'm thinking of writing to brian cowan suggesting regular flogging of the workers as the solution to ireland's economic difficulties. (i'd suggest a good screw too, but sure aren't they screwing us already).

i know just how he could fund it, too. make ivor callely take the bus. see? sorted.

well i was wrong about the bruises! i have more than i thought, they were just a bit slow to show themselves! i'm kinda happy to see them, but must remember to get some arnica on the way home, have to be ready for more use next weekend!

i'm still on a high, having little flashbacks, remembering little incidents from the weekend, like C and R deciding to cool my bum with ice in between spanking and flogging it! i was a bit scared when i heard them talking about it, expected the ice to be uncomfortable, and the pain to be more intense, but it was actually quite soothing. or the way i felt moved to kneel at C's feet and unlace his boots for him. not something he told me to do, he started to take them off himself and i just wanted to do it for him. it felt good.

my house-mate G arrived home yesterday evening, having been away for the weekend, and we got to chat a bit over a bottle of wine. can't think of a better way to begin winding down!

it's monday morning. it's raining. the sky is grey. the weekend is over. i have to take off my make-up and my pretty dress and put on drab boring clothes and go to work.

so do i have the blues? no i do not! i'm happy! i have a wiggle in my step! i'm trying hard to remember not to sigh contentedly and go 'mmm' when someone might hear!

i'm basking happily in memories of the weekend past - and, of course, looking forward eagerly to the weekend to come!

i'm feeling, as a dear friend of mine used to say, 'well used'.

i'm also once again remarkably free of bruises! i do have some, just not nearly as many as i would have expected. does one develop immunity to bruising over time, i wonder? and if so, is this a good thing or a bad thing? i rather miss my pretty bruises! but on the up side, i am ready for action again next weekend!

life is good!

in order to respect the privacy of my friends, i do not use names here. i refer to people by a single initial only. it sometimes happens that i have more than one friend with the same initial, and sometimes they attend the same event. i'm not going to start assigning numbers to my friends, especially not the dominant ones. i'm not about to decide which of two dominant play partners gets to be number 1 and which gets to be number 2. are you kidding? i may be a masochist but i do have a survival instinct!

in short, the person that i refer to as J in this post is not the same person that i referred to as J in a previous post, and there were two people at last night's party who i will refer to as R. sorry if this seems confusing, but i am still in a daze today after the most incredible series of experiences last night and in the early hours of this morning, and not really capable of thinking logically about conundrums like this at the moment!

it started - at least i think it started, my sense of time and the succession of events is a bit scrambled by high levels of endorphins - with sitting at R's feet while she sat in the throne, caressing my shoulders. i love the whole sitting at someone's feet scenario, it is, for me, both submissive and affectionate. and the throne (a wooden throne that D had made for a recent fem-dom night) evoked a slave-girl fantasy. the fact that R was wearing spiked gloves while she caressed me was a bonus. i am a pain-slut, after all.

one of my fantasies is to be a total slut for the night. in the bdsm sense that is. ok maybe i might have a fantasy about being a total slut in the other sense, but if so that one hasn't become reality. yet. what i mean in this instance is being a total spank-slut, getting spanked or flogged by several people on the one night. this became a reality for me last night.

i was flogged first by J, with R later joining in. J is a wonderful dominant lady who proudly calls herself a sadist and makes no secret of the pleasure she takes in dispensing pain to those who take pleasure in receiving it. she will often laugh with pleasure during play, which is something i love to hear, as it reminds me that i am giving pleasure to my play partner as well as accepting pleasure from them. she also has a knack of sensing just when she has pushed me to the limit, at which point she will pause, caress me, and whisper 'good girl' or 'good pet', in my ear, which has the immediate effect of calming me and enabling me to continue.

we both had occasion to laugh for another reason last night. at one point i became agitated when a flogger curled around my legs. sensing my agitation, J paused and asked me if i was ok. i replied that i was fine, i was just worried about the flogger ripping my fishnets, causing an outburst of giggles at my sense of priorities! my concern about the fishnets did prove well founded, they did not survive the night, but in the event i don't regret the sacrifice!

later in the night, while i was resting and recovering from this first flogging, C arrived. C and i had played only once before, several months ago. it had been an intense and very pleasurable experience and one that i had been hoping to repeat ever since. i was not disappointed! i soon found myself cuffed to a wall, my dress hiked up around my waist, ordered to spread my legs and stick out my bum, while C flogged and groped me, all the while growling wonderfully exciting threats and promises in my ear!

later still, R flogged me, with C joining in. this time i was bent over, leaning against a sofa, head down, bum up in the air, panties pulled down, a wonderfully exposed and vulnerable position that would have had me wiggling even without the spanking and flogging that accompanied it!

if was, if my endorphin-muddled brain remembers correctly, during this scene that C told me that he wanted to penetrate me, and asked me if i wanted that.

i was, up to that point, an anal virgin, more or less. i had experienced anal sex with a strap-on three times prior to that. but i had never until then experienced a real live flesh and blood penis up my bum. it was something that i had been thinking about quite a lot recently. it was a fantasy, and one which i had come to realise i needed to experience in reality. and i really can't think of a better person to help me make that fantasy become a reality than C.

and so, when he asked if i wanted that, i assured him that i did. and in the early hours of this morning, bent across a spanking bench, with my dress once more hiked up around my waist and C thrusting into me so hard that on occasion my feet left the ground, i lost my anal virginity. and i loved it.

i've been a bad girl. i haven't posted anything since wednesday. someone really ought to spank me!

off to a party later tonight, so hopefully i'll have something to write about tomorrow!

i am on a mission. i am in search of the perfect panties. this is not as easy as it might sound. the only panties i've found so far that actually fit a girl like me are these ones ...



not very sexy, are they?

i'm hoping these will fit ...



much yummier!

received a delivery from lovehoney today! wet-look mini-dress, fish-nets, open-back undies and ... erm ... never mind, you don't need to know about that other thing!

spent a lovely weekend in belfast with J and K. got fed, flogged, and ... um never mind! didn't need the arnica after all, as am once again remarkably free of bruises. probably shouldn't mention that really, as J might go harder on me next time if she reads that. and everyone knows how much i would hate that, right?

i don't know how some people manage to think of something to blog about every day. most days nothing very exciting happens to me. and my thoughts? oh you know. the usual stuff. sex. chocolate. more sex. more chocolate.

today, hopefully, will be different! something exiting is happening today! i'm going to belfast to see the very wonderful J! she tells me that she has no idea what she's going to do with me. but i'm sure she'll think of something! she always does!

must remember to bring arnica!

i love starting something new. it's all fresh and clean and full of possibilities!

in time, of course, it all inevitably gets cluttered. and some of the clutter is stuff i wish had never happened. but some of it is nice clutter, warm, cozy, friendly clutter, with warm, cozy, friendly memories attached.