there may, perhaps, be explanations for all the blank profiles on social networking sites, other than the obvious ones of laziness, lack of imagination, and dishonesty.

it's not always easy to express oneself. there's a cost, and not just in terms of time and effort, or the struggle that it can be for some of us to find the right words. there's an emotional investment. we hang a piece of our souls out there for everyone to see. if it is mocked, rejected, or just ignored, we hurt.

and yet some of us are driven to do it. probably for the same reason we carved our names in our desks at school. probably for the same reason our ancestors drew pictures on the walls of caves. we are driven to tell someone: "i, too, am here. this is what i think. this is what i feel. this is who i am."

fortunately not all of us insist that you agree with us.

the blindfold leaves me in darkness, helpless, dependent on Her for guidance. She is gentle at first, Her hands soft against my skin as She undresses me, unwrapping Her new toy.

She fastens something around my penis. i can't see what it is. She tells me it's a tens unit. i can barely feel it at first. when She turns the power up, the pain is intense. i crouch on the floor, crying out. She turns it down again. She leads me to the spanking bench and tells me to bend over.

the pain of the paddle striking my bare bottom is almost more than i can bear. She laughs with delight when i whimper. the whip is less painful, but more frightening. i know how much more it can hurt if She chooses to strike harder.

She leads me across the room and cuffs my wrists and ankles to the wall, facing out. She applies weighted clamps to my nipples. i beg Her to take them off. eventually, She does. i'm crying, behind the blindfold my eyes are wet with tears. She flogs my tender nipples and my testicles. when i close my legs in a vain attempt to protect myself, She orders me to spread them and i obey. She tells me to choose, nipples or testicles? i choose nipples. in truth, tender as they are now, one hurts about as much as the other.

and then it is over and She is gentle again, wrapping me in a blanket and playing with my hair as i lie with my head in Her lap, at peace at last.

i had another response to my personal ad today. someone wanted to know if i'd like to be put across his knee for some bare-bottomed spanking.

this one actually got my hopes up for a minute, because over-the-knee, bare-bottom spanking is yummy.

so i checked out his profile.

yeah, you guessed it. completely blank profile.

it's enough to make a girl want to give up in despair.

a week has passed now since i posted a personal ad on fetlife. the response has not been encouraging. i've had only three responses, none of which interested me in the slightest.

the temptation to give up, to withdraw, is quite strong, but i'm resisting.

it's not just the discouragement engendered by the low volume and poor quality of the responses. there's also the fear of what happens if / when i do find someone. will it work out this time? will i be able to cope if it doesn't?

and yet i go on because ... well really what else is there to do? sit at home alone? that would merely be to exchange the risk of acute emotional pain for the certainty of chronic emotional pain.

but that's focussing on the negative. let's rather say that i go on because the rewards are worth it. not just the sensations of play, the endorphin highs, but the rewards of intimacy and companionship.

somewhere out there is the one who wants me as much as i want her. i owe it to us both to keep searching until we find each other.