a week has passed now since i posted a personal ad on fetlife. the response has not been encouraging. i've had only three responses, none of which interested me in the slightest.

the temptation to give up, to withdraw, is quite strong, but i'm resisting.

it's not just the discouragement engendered by the low volume and poor quality of the responses. there's also the fear of what happens if / when i do find someone. will it work out this time? will i be able to cope if it doesn't?

and yet i go on because ... well really what else is there to do? sit at home alone? that would merely be to exchange the risk of acute emotional pain for the certainty of chronic emotional pain.

but that's focussing on the negative. let's rather say that i go on because the rewards are worth it. not just the sensations of play, the endorphin highs, but the rewards of intimacy and companionship.

somewhere out there is the one who wants me as much as i want her. i owe it to us both to keep searching until we find each other.